My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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