I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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