She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
