She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
