The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
even my farts smell like vagina
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
