My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
