i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
