Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
