Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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