I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
