I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
