It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
