I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
