It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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