Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
