He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
