Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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