Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
