i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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