you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
