Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
