hotel room ftw
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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