Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?