she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.