I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
