Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
