So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
