my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
