grandma shit on top of the toilet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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