New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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