Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
