Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
