He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
