If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
