How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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