tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
