I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
