yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we're making bets on your personal life
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
