The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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