david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
