Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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