you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
