I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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