Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
