i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
