I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
