Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
