wakey wakey hands off snakey
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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