just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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