My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
