If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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