I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
