wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
