my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
