just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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