I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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