I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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