I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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